The Sound of Sweeney
by FrauThenardier
Summary: The Sound of Music with Sweeney Todd, Les Mis, Beauty and the Beast,Simpsons and Catscratch Characters. There's a new nanny in town, and her name is Fraulein Lovett! Be afraid. Be very afraid.
1. Cast List

The Sound of Sweeney

Disclaimer: Ok, I don't own Sweeney Todd, Les Mis, The Simpsons, The Sound of Music, Beauty and the Beast, or Catscratch. The name butchering somebody else came up with. I thought it was muy cute, so I'm using it.

**Cast List**

Sweeney Todd (Sweeney Todd) + Captain Von Trapp Captain Sweeney Von Todd

Nellie Lovett (Sweeney Todd) + Maria Fraulein Nellie, Fraulein Lovett, Nellie Lovett, Nellie Von Todd

Johanna (Sweeney Todd) + Leisl Lieanna

Toby (Sweeney Todd) + Friedrich Tobrich

Belle (Beauty and the Beast) + Louisa Bellisa

Bart (The Simpsons) + Kurt Burt

Cosette (Les Mis) + Briggita Cosetta

Lisa (The Simpsons) + Marta Lisa (duh)

Maggie (The Simpsons) + Gretl Grettie

Old Beggar Woman (Sweeney Todd) + Mother Abbess Old Beggar Abbess

Triplets (Beauty and the Beast) + Sisters Berthe, Margaretta, and Sophia Sisters Green, Pink, and Orange

Lumiere (Beauty and the Beast) + Franz Lumanz

Mrs. Potts (Beauty and the Beast) + Frau Schmidt Frau Potts

Adolfo Pirelli (Sweeney Todd) + Max Dettwieler Max Pirelli

Eponine Thenardier (Les Mis) + Baroness Elsa Shraeder Baroness Eponine Thenardier

Waffle Nellie Lovett's Cat

Gordon Captain Sweeney Von Todd's Cat

Mr. Blik Baroness Eponine Thenardier's cat (all Catscratch)

Anthony (Sweeney Todd) + RolfRanthony

Judge Turpin and Beadle Bamford (Sweeney Todd) Nazi Lieutenants


	2. Meet Nellie and Waffle

_The Sound of Sweeney_

_Act 1, Scene 1_

(Curtain opens on some grassy hills overlooking the bustling city of London. The sun is setting behind the hills. Soft music plays. On the front hill strolls a blonde woman with her hair in two wacky buns on the sides of her head wearing a postulant's habit without a headdress. At her heels is a dazed looking, tallish grey cat. She is Nellie Lovett! Oh, and the cat is Waffle, from Catscratch.)

Nellie :( Sings) My day in the hills has come to an end, I know.

Waffle: (Speaks, hanging head) It's true.

Nellie: The stars coming out to tell me it's time to go.

Waffle: (points at star) Oooh! Pretty!

Nellie : But as I go back to the convent something compels me to stay.

Waffle: What's that?

Nellie: I just want to stay and listen for one more thing the hills have to say.

(Music builds up. Nellie and Waffle perform a very cutesy, spinny ballet, then she twirls and sings)

Nellie: The hills are alive with the sound of screaming! Bloodshed they have sung for 1000 years. The sharp razor blades and the sudden screeches. My heart imitates every noise it hears. My heart longs to beat like the wings of the spirits that rise from the cellar to the trees. My heart longs to sigh like the dying GASP from a victim on the breeze. To laugh like a killer when he trips and falls over bodies in his way! To sing through the night like a drunk who is trying to pray!

Waffle: (WAY off key) Trying to pray!

Nellie: I go to the hills…… Waffle: LA LA LA LA LA!

Nellie: When my heart's macabre….. Waffle: LALALALALA!

Nellie: I know I will hear….. Waffle: LALALALALA!

Nellie: What I've heard before…. Waffle: LALALALALA!

Nellie: My heart opens up…. Waffle: AA-AAH!

Nellie: to the sound of screaming. And I'll sing once more.

(The church bells ring, startling Nellie out of her song.)

Nellie: (speaks) GODDAMMIT!!!!

Waffle: Gasp! You swore! That's going to cost 50 Hail Marys!

Nellie: Well, I'm not supposed to be hanging with you, either! You're a boy! But we bent that rule, didn't we?

Waffle: Oh yeah. SPLEEEEE!

(While Waffle yells "SPLEEE," bells ring again)

Nellie: Gawd, there's no escaping them! Come on, Waffle!

(They start running. Nellie realizes 2 things: 1:She forgot her headdress, and 2: She won't have time to get Waffle back to the barn and be on time for chapel. They run back.)

Nellie: Get in here, dear!

(She stuffs Waffle in the headdress, puts it on, and runs offstage. Blackout and overture plays.)


	3. A problem like Nell Lovett

_Act 1, Scene 2_

(Nuns file on. Lights go up on one nun. It is the Old Beggar Abess!)

OBA: (sings) Dixit dominus domino meo, sede a dextris meis.

Nuns: Donec ponam inimi costuos, scabelum pendum toorum.

OBA: Dominus a dextris tuis, confregite in diae irae suae Regis.

Nuns: Detorente invia bibet, propterea exalta bit caput.

OBA: Gloria patri et filio, et spiritui sancto.

Nuns: Detorente in principio et nunc et simper, et in saecula saeculorum, Amen. Rex admirabilis et triumphator nobilis. Dulce do in effabilis. Totus de si de rabilis, totus de si de rabilis.

(Postulants file on during the next song, all except Nellie.)  
Nuns: Aleluia, Aleluia, Aleluia, Aleluia. Aleluia, Aleluia, Aleluia, Aleluia.

Postulant 1: (spoken) Has anyone seen Nellie? Nellie Lovett?

Postulant 2: Probably up on that crappy hill trying to talk to the dead, again.

Postulant 3: Lovett is going to be in SO much trouble when she gets back!

OBA: shhh!!!

Nuns: (sing) AAAAA-AAAAA MEN!!!!!!

(Nuns leave except for Old Beggar Abess, and three blonde nuns in pink, orange, and green habits: Sisters Pink, Orange, and Green.)

Sis G: Man, I have just about had it with that Lovett girl! Can't she show up for just ONE prayer session?

Sis P: Be patient with her, Sister Green. She's quite clever.

Sis G: She actually thought I wouldn't see through the whole cat-in-the-headdress thing?! How dumb does she think I am? Oh, she will pay. Why does the Reverend Mother even allow her to KEEP the mongrel?

Sis P: Oh, come on, she and Waffle are inseparable. At least she didn't let her keep the other two!

OBA: Girls! What is going on?

Sis G: Reverend Mother, I think you should rethink your position on Nellie. And her little cat, too!

Sis P: Don't listen to her, Reverend Mother! Nellie may be odd, but she's a sweetie, deep down.

Sis O: Oh, I love her to itty-bitty-through-the-grinder-three-times-sized pieces, but that girl can never stay out of trouble, can she?

Sis G: Exactly! (sings) She falls from trees and breaks her knee! Her sweater's full of tears.

Sis O: She waltzes, singing about death! She's quick to say a swear.

Sis G: And underneath her headdress she wears weird buns in her hair!

Sis P: I've even heard her singing in the abbey!

Sis G: She's always late for chapel-

Other 2: But her penitence is real.

Sis G: She's always late, and I'm not sure just what she calls a meal! I hate to have to say it but I very firmly fell-

All 3: Nell Lovett's not an asset to the abbey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sis P: I'd like to say something in her behalf.

OBA: (speaks) Then say it, girl!

Sis P: (sings) Nell Lovett makes me laugh! (all laugh)

OBA: How do you solve a problem like Nell Lovett? How do you catch black smoke and make it shriek? How do you find a word that means Nell Lovett?

Sis O: An evil angelic!

Sis P: A child of love!

Sis G: (speaks) A freak.

OBA: (sings) Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her. Many a thing she ought to understand.

Sis G : But how do you make her stay and listen to all you say?

OBA: How do you place a shark upon the sand?

Sis G: Oh, how do you solve a problem like Nell Lovett?

OBA: S'like holding molten lava in your hand!

Sis O: When I'm with her I'm confused, out of focus and bemused and I never know exactly where I am.

Sis G: Unpredictable as weather!

Sis P: She's as flighty as a feather. She's a darling!

Sis G : She's a demon!

Sis P: She's a lamb!

Sis O: She'd outpester any pest, scare a hornet in its nest, slit the throat of any dervish in a whirl!

Sis P: She is gentle, she is wild!

Sis O: She's a riddle, she's a child!

Sis G: She's a devil!

Sis P: She's an angel!

OBA: She's a girl!!!!!!!!!!

All: How do you solve a problem like Nell Lovett? How do you catch black smoke and make it shriek? How do you find a word that means Nell Lovett?

Sis O: An evil angelic!

Sis P: A child of love!

Sis G: (yells) A FREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All: (sing) Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her. Many a thing she ought to understand. But how do you make her stay and listen to all you say? How do you place a shark upon the sand? Oh how do you solve a problem like Nell Lovett?

(Just then, Nellie runs in and stops short so fast that Waffle flies out of her headdress and hits Sister Green in the face. Sisters and Old Beggar Abess giggle.)

Nellie: (speaks) Sorry, Sister Green. It won't happen again.

Sis G: you always say that, now get this mutt off my face!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nellie: Yes, ma'am. Come on, Waffle. (She carries him offstage.)

All: (sing) S'like holding molten lava in your hand.


	4. How you solve a problem like Nell Lovett

_Act 1, Scene 3_

(Old Beggar Abess is at a desk in her office. Nellie waits outside, knocking on the door.)

OBA: Ave.

(Nellie walks in, trips, gets up, tries to sit down, misses the chair, lands on her butt, tries again and this time gets in the seat.)

Nellie: Oh , Reverend Mother, I'm so sorry. I hope Waffle didn't frighten Sister Green too much -no wait- yes I do!

OBA: Nellie, if I've told you once, I've told you a million times, Waffle STAYS IN THE BARN!!!!!!! Nevertheless, I didn't call you here so you could apologize.

Nellie: Oh, come on. Please? Ya know, I did a REAL DOOZIE yesterday! I was singing! Muahaha! Muahaha! (cricket noises) What? I'm not supposed to do that! Punish me!

OBA: Nellie, you idiot! We only have rules about singing IN THE FRICKIN ABBEY!!!! Gawd, the things I put up with!

Nellie: (Nelson laugh) Ha-ha! You swore! And you took the Lord's name in vain!

OBA: NELLIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nellie: Shutting up.

OBA: Nellie, what is the most important thing you've learned at the abbey, if you've learned anything at all?

Nellie: To find out what is the will of God and to do it wholeheartedly.

OBA: Even if it's hard to do?

Nellie: (very rehearsed) Even then. And show pity to the beggar at my pie shop.

OBA: Nellie- It seems to be the will of God that you leave us! (winks at other nuns)

Nellie: I don't wanna leave! Ever since Albert died I've been afraid I'll meet another abusing man! That's why I came to this dungheap in the first place.

OBA: Just until September. There's a captain with seven kids-

Nellie: SEVEN?!!! That guy is in WAY over his head!

OBA: Cease to interrupt me, Woman! They need a nanny until September. You're good with kids, Nellie, you'll do fine!

Nellie: Will I get paid?

OBA: Ye-actually I don't know.

Nellie: Reverend Mother, can I take Waffle with me?

OBA: Yes, I suppose so. He would get depressed and stop eating if you didn't. And the Captain has a small calico cat with a dumpy tail who would make a good friend for Waffle. Now go!!!!!!!!

(Nellie exits happily)


	5. Nellie has Confidence!

_Act 1, Scene 4_

(Waffle is sitting in the barn on a haystack, looking depressed. Nellie enters, this time in a ripped green sweater, a grey skirt, and ugg-like shoes that look like they were woven out of spare pieces of yarn. She carries a suitcase covered in bumper stickers and drags a case in which lies her harmonium.)  
Waffle: I can't do it. I just can't.

Nellie: Why the long face, dear?

Waffle: I'll never get to the mousehunter's ball to reunite with my brothers! I can't catch one stupid mouse!

Nellie: Well, dry your eyes, Waffle, we're going on an adventure!

Waffle: We're gonna catch mice?

Nellie: Forget the mice, dear. We're gonna be nannies to seven children.

Waffle: Splee!

(Waffle climbs onto the harmonium case and they wander out into the street. Nellie looks back at the convent.)

Nellie: Well, Waffle, as they say, when the Lord closes a door, somewhere he opens a window. Or at least a chimney. (sings.) What will this day be like? I wonder….. what will my future be? I wonder….. I've always wanted excitement, to be out in London, to be free! I should be embarrassingly happy. Oh, what the heck's wrong with me? I've always longed for adventure, to do the things I never dared. Now I have a job as a nursemaid! Then why? I'm frickin scared. (sits on her harmonium case.) A captain with seven children. I've seen scarier things than that!

Waffle: (speaks) Ask anyone who knew your husband!

Nellie: (walks off, singing) Oh I must stop these doubts and these worries! If I don't 10 to 1 I'll turn back! I should dream of the things I am seeking, which are namely the courage I lack. The courage to defend them with reliance. Face my mistakes avec defiance. Prove that I'm worthy, and while I show them, I'll show me! So…. Let them heap their lives upon me! I'll do better than my best! I have confidence-so put me to the test! I know you'll agree I have confidence in me! My meat pies will impress them! I'll be extremely kind! And all those children-Oy!- God bless them! They will look up to me! And mind me! With each step I am more certain everything will turn out fine. I have confidence-so TAKE THAT, Husband Mine!! You're disappointed, I see, that I have confidence in me!


	6. Meet the VonTodds

_Act 1, Scene 5_

(Scene switches to Von Todd mansion/barber shop. Sweeney Von Todd is standing in the foyer. He wears a suit. Next to him are a candelabra and a teapot. They are Lumanz and Frau Potts. By his side is an average-sized calico cat with a stubby tail and a Scottish accent. He is Gordon.)

Sweeney: Where is that girl? She should have been here five minutes ago!

Gordon: Be patient, Sweeney. She might be stuck in traffic. Or maybe the Old Beggar Abess is having a hard time selecting one. Anythin's possible, lad.

Lumanz: Master, I've been thinking. Maybe zis girl is ze one who will break ze spell!

Sweeney: What are you talking about?

Frau P: Oh, don't listen to Lumanz, Master. He's a little crazy. He actually thinks we were originally humans! Ha!

Sweeney: Oh. Man, a lot's happened since I've been gone.

(A phone rings. Lumanz goes to answer it.)

Lumanz: Hello, Sweeney Von Todd's Tonsorial parlor/mansion, who may I say is calling? Yes, mon captain is in. Hold, s'il vous plait. Master! You have a phone call. A Frau Thenardier.

Sweeney: FrauThenardier from My favorite author?! She wants to talk to me?!

(Angels that look like Frau Farbissina and Madame Thenardier fly around his head.)

Angels: (sing) Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia-

Lumanz: (speaks) Actually, Master, c'est Frau EPONINE Thenardier.

(Angels disappear with little farting noises.)

Sweeney: Oh. Well, she's good, too. (Hears faraway music. It's Nellie singing!) What's that music?

Frau P: Oh, it's probably the local idiot. She's always doing that. Drives everyone crazy.

(Sweeney looks out the window. He sees Nellie skipping down the street in the distance. Frau Potts and Gordon join him.)

Frau P: That's definitely NOT the local idiot.

Sweeney: Oh, great. While I was gone, this neighborhood was changed into the theatre district! Get a load of this chick!

Gordon: (Gaping at Nellie's suitcase) It can't be!

(scene switches to Nellie, who is now dancing down the road, swinging her harmonium case and suitcase to the immense delight of Waffle. Quite a mental picture.)

Nellie: (sings) I have confidence in hailstorms! I have confidence in rain! I have confidence that night will come again. So, Waffle, you see I have confidence in me! Strength doesn't lie in numbers! Strength doesn't lie in wealth! Strength just lies in deathlike slumber, if you wake up, WAKE UP! It's healthy! All I trust I leave my heart to! All I trust becomes my own! I have confidence in confidence alone…… (stands there at the gate)

Waffle: (speaks) Well, are you going or not?

Nellie: You're right, luv. (Opens the gate, steps in warily, sings.) I have confidence in confidence alone! (runs up to the door. ) Besides which you see, I have confidence in

Nellie: MEEEEEEEE!!!!! Waffle: (speaks) SPLEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

( she rings the doorbell and attempts to catch her breath. Lumanz opens the door.)

Lumanz: Bonjour, Mademoiselle.

Nellie: (looking around) Who said that? Where are you?

Lumanz: I'm right down here!

Nellie: (looks down) Oh. Well, here I am! I'm from the convent, I'm the new nanny, Captain. I sort of thought you'd be taller, but, OK!

Lumanz: And I'm the butler, Lumanz, Mademoiselle.

Nellie: Oh. Well, how do you do, Sir, I'm sure. (whispers) Waffle, I told you he was the butler!

(Lumanz leads Nellie and Waffle into the foyer. The Captain and Gordon are standing there.)

Sweeney: You must be the new nanny. I am Captain Sweeney Von Todd, and this is my cat, Gordon.

Waffle: I'm Waffle!

Nellie: Shhh!

Sweeney: Gasp! That awful outfit! You must change before the children get here!

Nellie: I can't. It's the only one I have aside form my habit. My meat pies don't bring in much money, sir. But I can make my own clothes!

Sweeney: Good. I shall send you some of my murdered customers' coats -er, I mean send for some material. Today, if possible. Frau Potts, take her bags.

(He blows a factory whistle, and seven children in matching basic grey uniforms come marching downstairs. One has long blonde hair, one has messy brown hair, one has long brown hair tied in a bow, one is kind of yellow with spiky hair, one has curly red hair, one is yellowish with a necklace, and one is a yellowish baby with a pacifier. I won't bother introducing them, they do it for me.)

Sweeney: Children, this is your new nanny, Fraulein-

Nellie: (Timidly) Nellie Lovett, sir.

Waffle: And I'm her cat, Waffle! (notices Gordon) BROTHER!!!!!!

Gordon: BROTHER!!!! (they embrace)

Sweeney: You know each other?

Waffle: We're brothers.

Sweeney: Anyway, I will sound your call, and you will step forward and give your name. You listen carefully, Lovett, or else!

Nellie: Gulp!

(As Sweeney sounds their whistle calls, the kids step forward.)

Blonde: Lieanna.

Messyhair: Tobrich.

Hairbow: Bellisa.

Spikehair: Burt.

Redhead: Cosetta.

Necklace: Lisa.

Pacifier: (sucks pacifier, Gordon translates.) Gordon: Grettie.

Sweeney: Now, when I want you, you will hear this. (Blows high-pitched and annoying call on factory whistle.)

Nellie: NOOOOOOO!!!!!! I can't answer to THAT! It's too annoying!!!!!!!!

Sweeney: Get used to it. (leaves)

Nellie: Geez, what's HIS problem?

Gordon: Don't worry, Nellie, lass, he's not so bad when you get used to him.

Nellie: Now that we're alone, why don't you tell me your names again and how old you are?

Lieanna: I'm Lieanna. I'm 16 years old and I don't need a nanny!

Nellie: Thank you for being honest. I'll just be your friend.

Tobrich: I'm Tobrich. I'm 14, and I'm not a girl in any way, shape, or form.

Nellie: Didn't think you were, dear!

Bellisa: I'm Cosetta!

Nellie: You didn't tell me how old you are, _Bellisa_.(twists Bellisa's hair)

Cosetta: I'm Cosetta, she's Bellisa, she's 13, and you're smart, for a blonde.

Lieanna: Hey!

Cosetta: I'm 10, and that's the ugliest dress I've ever seen.

Nellie: Now Cosetta…..

Cosetta: Well it is!

Nellie: You've got a point.

Burt: I'm Burt. I'm 11, and they call me El Burto.

Nellie: So you're the famous El Burto. I have a dozen pictures of your graffiti to hang in my room!

Burt: Look, Lady- Wait! Did you just compliment me? Thanks!

Lisa: I'm Lisa, and I'm turning 7 on Tuesday, and I'd love to have a microscope.

Nellie: Science! Cool!

Grettie: Suck! Suck!

Nellie: And you're Grettie.

Lieanna: She just turned 1.

Nellie: I've got something to tell you. (picks up Grettie, snuggles her) I've never been a nanny.

Bellisa: Well, first you have to tell Papa that his pants make him look fat….

Burt: No, Bellisa! I think I like this Fraulein Lovett girl. (sees harmonium case) Hey, what's that?

Nellie: That's my harmonium, Dear. For when we all sing together. I know some great parlor songs that I want to teach you.

Kids: We don't sing.

Nellie: Aw, come on! What songs do you know?

Burt: We can't sing. We never learned.

Nellie: Well, I'll have to teach you , then. (plays starting notes on harmonium, sings) Let's start at the very beginning. A very good place to start. When you read, you begin with….

Lisa: ABC.

Nellie: When you sing, you begin with do-re-mi.

Kids: Do-re-mi.

Nellie: Do-re-mi. The first three notes just happen to be Do-re-mi. Do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti….(speaks) well, I think I'll make it easier. Everybody on the couch! (they get on the couch, Nellie sings) Doe. A deer. A female deer. Ray. A laser bright as sun. Me. A name I call myself. Far. From Michael Jackson where you run. Sew. Stitching things up with thread. La. Um…. A note to follow sew? Tea. A drink with meat in bread. That will bring us back to Do-oh-oh-oh.

All: Doe! A deer. A female deer. Ray! A laser bright as sun. Me! A name I call myself. Far! From Michael Jackson where you run!!! (pantomime running from Michael Jackson) Sew! Stitching things up with thread. La! Um… a note to follow sew????!!! Tea! A drink with meat in bread. That will bring us back to, bring us back to DO!!!!!!!

Nellie: (speaks) Now that we know the basics, we can sing a real song! (plays starting notes for _Sweet Polly Plunkett Lay in the Grass, Cast her eyes heavenward sighing etc. _and sings) Sweet Polly Plunkett lay in the grass…..

(scene fades on all singing)

_Man, that was long! Oh, and I know do a deer was demented, but it was all I could think of at the time. And I know there was no couch gag when they sat on the couch, as in the Simpsons. There WILL be couch gags! The Frau promises! Oh, and Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanzaa, etc. are coming, so Ladies and Gentlemen, may I have your attention (AKA your reviews) PERLEASE?????? Happy Holidays from the Frau!_


	7. Tear out my spleen?

_Act 1, Scene 6_

(We see the Von Todds' terrace at night. We hear romantic music. A male voice sings.)

Male Voice: I feel you, Lieanna. I feel you. I was half convinced I'd waken satisfied enough to dream you. Happily I was mistaken, Lieanna!!!

(A young, blond sailor leaps out from behind a weeping willow. He is Ranthony!)

Ranthony: (building in passion and volume) I'll steal you, Lieanna! I'll steal you! Does he think that walls can hide you? Even now I'm at your window. I am in the dark beside you buried sweetly in your yellow hair! I feel you, Lieanna! And, one day, I'll steal you! Till I'm with you then, I'm with you there! Sweetly buried in your yellow hair!

(Lieanna appears in a silky pink gown with a pink flower in her hair.)

Lieanna: (speaks) Ranthony? (runs up to him, they embrace) Oh, Ranthony!

Ranthony: I've missed you, my beautiful Lieanna! I missed you so much, I wanted to tear out my spleen! Or at least send you a telegram, just so I could come and deliver it!

Lieanna: Well, why don't you?

Ranthony: Tear out my spleen?! Well, anything for you. (pulls a knife and bites a bullet)

Lieanna: No, you silly! I can see blood anytime in Papa's barber shop. Send me a telegram!

Ranthony: But I'm already here!

Lieanna: SEND IT!!! Please? (makes a puppy face)

Ranthony: Ok, Ok! (sings) Dear Lieanna. STOP! I want to tell you how much I love you. STOP! Too bad this line is too expensive. STOP! Love, Ranthony. STOP! Ps: Don't kill me!! STOP! (speaks) And?

Lieanna: (sings) Dear Ranthony. STOP! (speaks) Don't stop. (pauses) Any more news on Turpin and Bamford?

Ranthony: They think we should all be Nazis, and they're very mad at those who don't agree. They're getting ready to- well, let's just hope your father doesn't get hurt.

Lieanna: Don't be worried about Papa. He's a naval hero. And he could cut their throats.

Ranthony: I know. I'm not worried about him. But I AM worried about his daughter.

Lieanna: Which one? Bellisa? Cosetta? Lisa? Grettie?

Ranthony: His eldest daughter.

Lieanna: Me?! Why? I'm not a baby, I'm not a science nerd, I don't sing about castles on clouds, and I don't spend my days on my heine reading books! Why are you worried about me?

Ranthony: Let me put it this way. (sings) You wait, Little Girl, on an empty stage, for fate to turn the light on. Your life, Little Girl, is an empty page that men will want to write on.

Lieanna: To write on?

Ranthony: You are 16 going on 17, Baby, it's time to think! Better beware, or your throat will get cut, Baby, you're on the brink! You are 16 going on 17, beautiful, blonde, and pale. Eager young lads and roués and cads will bring you meat pies and ale! Totally unprepared are you to face an abyss of men! Chicken, afraid, and scared are you of things beyond your ken! You need someone just slightly wiser ordering you around! I am 17 going on 18 and the man you've found! (they dance)

Lieanna: I am 16 going on 17, a blonde and thus naïve. Fellows I meet will tell me I'm sweet and blindly, I will believe. I am 16 going on 17, morbid, a darkened rose. Bachelor dandies, who drink ale and brandies, what do I know of those? Totally unprepared am I to face an abyss of men! Timid and shy and scared am I of things beyond my ken! I need someone who is much wiser ordering me around! You are 17 going on 18 and the man I've found! (they dance, Ranthony kisses Lieanna and leaves)

Lieanna: (speaks) WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Waffle: (offstage) SPLEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! (blackout!)


	8. Goodnight, Mr Newtie

Act 1, Scene 7

(Nellie is in a bedroom in the Von Todd mansion. She is wearing a nightgown which actually looks decent, unlike her normal outfit. Waffle wears a nightcap with a little tassel on it and carries a little plush newt. There is a knock on the door.)

Frau P: Fraulein? Fraulein Lovett? It's me, Frau Potts.

Nellie: Come in. (Frau Potts enters.)

Frau P: Is your room to your liking?

Nellie: Oh, it's wonderful. I especially love the curtains. (gestures to some blue, embroidered curtains)

Frau P: Wait till you see the new ones!

Nellie: New ones?

Frau P: Every week we order new ones. Here's all of last week's in your closet!

Nellie: OK……. The Captain mentioned something about leaving. What's that about?

Frau P: He's visiting Frau Thenardier. I think he might marry her before the fall.

Nellie: FrauThenardier from She's my favorite author! I LOVE "Six Evil Doers and a Baby!" She'll make a good mum, I'm sure.

Frau P: Frau EPONINE Thenardier.

Nellie: The Thenardier Inn heiress?! Well, she's good too. Either way, they'll have a mum again!

Frau P: Yes, and it's about time, too. Poor Lucy Von Todd! She was a sweet woman and a wonderful mother. Poor little Grettie never even got to meet her. The Captain misses her terribly. He's afraid of little Grettie because Lucy died giving birth to her. And he's started treating the children like soldiers in the navy. He won't let them play for fear that they'll ruin their clothes, and I don't think he'd be willing to give you coats-uh, I mean FABRIC- for playclothes for them. Don't ask me how I knew you'd ask that! (leaves)

Nellie: Now, Waffle, it's time for bed! Now you get to sleep on the big bed with me like a normal cat! Goodnight, Waffle. (kisses him)

Waffle: And Mr. Newtie. (holds out stuffed newt)

Nellie: Goodnight, Mr. Newtie. (kisses the stuffed newt, kneels before the bed.) Dear Lord, now I know why you sent me here. It's to prepare the children for their new mum, to win her love so she'll never want them to leave her. God bless the Reverend Mother, and Sister Pink, and everyone at Nonnberg Abbey. God bless Waffle and Gordon and their brother, wherever he is. God bless Mr. Von T. and make him go easier on me. God bless Lieanna and Tobrich and Bellisa and Cosetta and Lisa and Grettie, and the other boy…. What's his name? Well, God bless what's-his-name! Oh, and about Lieanna…..(Lieanna climbs in through window and freezes.) Help her to see that I am her friend, and to let me know what she's been up to.

Lieanna: Are you going to tell on me?

Nellie: SHHH! Help me to guide her footsteps. Amen. What was that, Dear?

Lieanna: I was out taking a walk and it started to rain and the door was locked and I didn't want to wake everyone up so I climbed through your window and man, did I just say a mouthful!

Nellie: No, Really?!

Lieanna: And if you think that's impressive, you should see Bellisa. She can make it with a toad on her head. While reading!

Nellie: Impressive. Anyway, Lieanna, were you out by yourself?

Lieanna: Yes. (Nellie looks at her reproachfully.) I mean, no.

Nellie: Well, put your dress in the bathtub to soak, then put on my spare nightgown, and you can tell me all about him! Is he cute?

Lieanna: Is the sky blue? You MUST meet him!

Nellie: That great, huh?

(Lieanna exits, THUNDER!!!, Grettie runs in accompanied by Gordon.)

Nellie: What's wrong, Grettie, Love? You-uh- hungry? Smelly? Teething?

Gordon: She's afraid, Nellie Lass.

Nellie: Oh. (THUNDER!!!!!) Come up on the bed with me, Dear. (Picks her up, settles her on the bed. Gordon climbs in too.) Now let's wait for the others!  
Grettie: Suck! Suck!Gordon: They're asleep. They're not scared.

(THUNDER!!!!! Lisa, Cosetta, and Bellisa run in.)

Nellie: Oh, really? All right, everybody up! Now let's wait for the boys!

Cosetta: (getting under the covers) No way! Boys are brave!

(THUNDER!!!! Tobrich and Burt run in.)

Nellie: Are you guys chicken? Bawk bawk?

Tobrich: Oh no. We were afraid you guys were!

Nellie: Was this your idea, Tobrich, dear?

Tobrich: No way! It was Burt's!

Nellie: Burt! That's his name! God bless Burt! (THUNDER!!!!) Apparently, that's how God blesses Burt! Ok then…

Cosetta: Why is the thunder so loud?

Lisa: Cosetta, you idiot! There's a logical explanation for this!

Nellie: Well, Cosetta, dear, maybe we can drown it out if we sing loud enough. You guys wanna try?

Kids: YEAH!!!!!

Nellie: OK!!! (Whips out harmonium I luv her harmonium!! from her closet and starts playin, sings) Dead, blackened roses and cute, rabid kittens. Tarnished, dull kettles and old, snotty mittens. Brown meat pie packages tied up with strings. These are a few of my favorite things! Loud, braying donkeys and stale apple strudel. Hearse bells and service bells and schnitzel with noodles. Ravens that fly with the night on their wings. These are a few of my favorite things! When the nag bites! When the scorpion stings! When I'm feeling sad. I simply remember my favorite things, and then I don't feel so bad! (They dance)

Nellie: Dead, blackened roses and cute, rabid kittens!

Lieanna: Tarnished dull kettles and old snotty mittens!

Tobrich: Brown meat pie packages tied up with strings!

Bellisa: These are a few of my favorite things!

Burt: Loud braying donkeys and stale apple strudel!

Cosetta: Hearse bells and service bells!

Lisa: And schnitzel with noodles!

Gordon: Ravens that fly with the night on their wings!

Waffle: SPLEEEEEEEEEE!!!! (all laugh)

All: when the nag bites! When the scorpion sings! When I'm feeling sad! I simply remember my favorite things and then I don't feel so bad!

(blackout on them pillow fighting)

REVIEWS PLEEEZZE!!!!


	9. Meet Eponine, Mr Blik, and Pirelli

Act 1, Scene 9

(The VonTodds's terrace in the daytime. A young woman, scarcely older than Lieanna, around 19, or 20, in a pink gown, white gloves, and long black hair sits at a table, sharing little fruits and a bottle of root beer with a black cat on her lap. She is the Baroness Eponine Thenardier, and the cat is Mr. Blik. A weird, annoying, and tone-deaf Italian man sits next to her. He is Max Pirelli.)

Eponine: I'm serious, Max. I love Sweeney.

Mr. Blik: What about Marius?

Eponine: Ok, maybe not as much as Marius, but I can't have **everything,** can I? How am I going to get him to propose to me?

Max: Bella Senorina Thenardier, you have-a to spend-a as much time with him as is the possible. Remember, it is harder because you are the rich-a. (sings) In all the famous love affairs the lovers have to struggle. In all the famous love affairs the lovers starve and snuggle. All these famous love affairs the public is endeared of. While lovers who are quite the rich you very seldom hear of.

Eponine: No little shack does he share with me. We do not flee from a mortgagee. Nary a care in the world have we.

Max: How can love survive??

Eponine: He's fond of balls and he owns a lot. I have a plane and a diesel yacht.

Max: Plenty of nothing you haven't got!

Both: How can love survive?

Eponine: No rides for us on the top of a bus in the face of the freezing breezes!

Max: You'll meet your goals in his comfy old Rolls!

Mr. Blik: Or in one of our Mercededses!

Eponine: Far, very far off the beam are we. Quaint and bizarre as a team are we. Two millionaires with a dream are we, of keeping romance alive!

Mr. Blik: Two millionaires with a dream are you.  
Eponine: We'll make our love survive! (Sweeney enters, speaks) Sweeney, mon amour! We were just discussing your future.

Sweeney: Do I kill millions of people and take over the world?

Eponine: Uh, no.

Sweeney: Do I kill Turpin and Bamford and bring my Lucy back from the dead?

Eponine: Uh-uh.

Sweeney: Do I get to cut any throats at all out of this deal?

Eponine: Nien.

Sweeney: Don't wanna hear it.

Eponine: It's better! Trust me! (grabs him, sings) No little cold-water flat have we, warmed by the glow of insolvency!

Max: Up to your necks in security, how can love survive?

Eponine: How can I show what I feel for you? I cannot go out and-(picks his pocket) steal for you!

Sweeney: (speaks) And yet you CAN steal from me.

Eponine: Not finished. (sings) I cannot die like Fantine for you.

Mr. Blik: How can love survive?

Max: You millionaires with financial affairs are too busy for simple pleasures.

Mr. Blik: When you are poor it is toujours l'amour, for l'amour all the poor have leisure.

Eponine: Strangled by gold-plated chains are we! Shot dead on rich barricades are we! Throat-slit by capital gains are we, but we'll keep romance alive!

Max/Mr. Blik: Throat-slit by capital gains are you.

All: We'll make our love….survive!!!

Eponine: (speaks) So, Sweeney, my love, mon amour, is it "Eponine, will you marry me?" or "My beloved goddess Eponine! I cannot think of living without you! Will you become my wife and make me the luckiest man in the world?"

Sweeney: Cut that out, Eponine. I told you I'd marry you when I was ready. Last night. IN THE FANCY SUITE YOUR PARENTS GAVE US.

Eponine: (remembers) Oh yeah…

("Let's get it on" Plays. Stops abruptly when Nellie and the kids run on playing leapfrog. They all have new clothes made out of-you guessed it- the old curtains. Nellie has patched up her outfit and has made herself an apron out of the blue, embroidered curtains. Lieanna wears a pretty gown made of light pink, muslin curtains. Tobrich wears a pair of pants made of brown plaid curtains, and a shirt of off-white curtains with multi-colored patches. Bellisa has a new dress and hairbow made of light blue curtains, and a new apron made of white linen curtains. Cosetta's dress and hat are made of the leftover material from Lieanna's gown. Burt wears pants from the leftovers of Bellisa's dress and a shirt from red curtains. Lisa's dress is made of the leftovers of Burt's shirt. Finally, Grettie's dress and bow are made from the leftovers of Bellisa's dress and Burt's pants. They run on laughing and screaming!)

Burt: C'mon, Fraulein Nellie!

Bellisa: Yeah, it's you're turn!

Grettie: Suck! Suck!

Waffle: SPLEEE!!

Nellie: OK! (leapfrogs over them all) Do! Re! Mi! Fa! So! La! Ti! Oh, Mr. VonT., you're home!

Kids: PAPA!!

Sweeney: (Blows whistle) Shoulders back! In line! Go get your uniforms on! NOW!!! (brandishes razor, kids split)

Nellie: And who's this pretty little flower? Your eighth daughter?

Eponine: I am Frau Thenardier, Madame, and this is Mr. Blik.

Waffle: BROTHER!!!!

Gordon: BROTHER!!!

Mr. Blik: Get away from me, you lunatics! I have a pistol and I know how to use it!

Waffle: (ready to cry) But you're our brother. Don't you remember?

Mr. Blik: Yeah, sure, and the bulldog from Detroit is my father, and the squirrel from Alaska is my nephew, and the gerbil from Honolulu is my grandmother. (Waffle starts to cry)

Gordon: It's Ok, lad, he just doesn't remember us. We were only babies when the Reverend Mother made Nellie split us up.

Nellie: Oh my God! You're FrauThenardier?! My favorite author?! Funny, I thought you'd look more like Frau Farbissina and Madame Thenardier.

Eponine: Frau EPONINE Thenardier. C'mon, Max. C'mon, Blikkie. (they leave)

Sweeney: What were those awful clothes my children were wearing?

Waffle: Nellie?

Nellie: Not now, Waffle. Old curtains! Aren't they adorable?

Sweeney: You mean my children have been out in public in OLD CURTAINS???

Waffle: Nellie?

Nellie: Later, dear. Yes ! And they've become quite popular!

Waffle: Nellie? (poking her) Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie…..

Sweeney: I don't wonder.

Waffle: Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Nellie Ellie-Nay Nell-to-the-ie Nellie Nellie…..

Nellie: Waffle, you shut up, or so help me, I'll call Mrs. Mooney!

Waffle: Shutting up!

Nellie: Anyway, people smile and wave at them going, "There go Captain VonTodd's children!"

Sweeney: My children have always been a credit to my name!

Nellie: But they weren't! They were little robots!

Waffle: (starts doing the robot) Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto. Domo. Domo. Give it all you got-o, Mr. Roboto. Domo. Domo.

Nellie: Waffle, um, I think you should be quiet. My offer to call Mrs. Mooney still stands.

Waffle: (keeps on doing the robot) Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto-(Nellie grabs one of Grettie's old pacifiers and jams it in his mouth) Suck! (he leaves)

Nellie: Anywho, Lieanna! She's not a child anymore, dear, and if you continue to treat her like one, you'll have a mutiny on your hands! Tobrich wants to be a man, but he needs to learn from you!

Sweeney: I DON'T WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU ABOUT MY SON!!!

Nellie: I KNOW YOU DON'T BUT YOU'VE GOT TO!!! Bellisa could tell you about him, she notices everything. And if you doubt BOTH of us, you can ask Gordon! Burt is a sad little boy, he's hurt the way you brush him aside, the way you do all of them! Cosetta misses her mother and thinks you don't care about her! Now Lisa I don't know about, but someone has to find out about her! And little Grettie only wants to be loved! Oh, Mr. VonT., love Grettie, love them all…

Sweeney: Enough! You will pack your things and leave immediately, or I will personally slit your throat for trespassing! And once you are gone…

(Just then, the children, Gordon, Waffle, and Mr. Blik walk on with Eponine. Eponine is carrying Grettie and holds Lisa's hand. Lieanna is playing a guitar and she and Bellisa sing the descant on the song they sing.)

Kids: The hills are alive..Lieanna/Bellisa: LALALALALA!

Kids: With the sound of screaming..Lieanna/Bellisa: LALALALALA!

Kids: Bloodshed they have sung…Lieanna/Bellisa: LALALALALA!

Kids: For a thousand years…..Lieanna/Bellisa: LALALALALA!

Kids: The sharp razor blades….Lieanna/Bellisa: LALALALALA!

Kids: And the sudden screeches…Lieanna/Bellisa: LALALALALA!

Kids: My heart imitates every noise it hears!

Sweeney: (speaks) What is this?

Nellie: The children are singing the song I taught them to sing for the Baroness!

Sweeney: Singing?

Kids: (sing) My heart longs to beat like the wings of the spirits that rise from the cellar to the trees. My heart wants to sigh like the dying GASP from a victim on the breeze! To laugh like a killer when he trips and falls over bodies in his way! To sing through the night like a drunk who is trying to pray!

Sweeney: Trying to pray. I go to the hills when my heart's macabre. I know I will hear what I've heard before. My heart opens up to the sound of screaming.

VonTodds: And I'll sing once more.

Eponine: (speaks) Why Sweeney, you never told me how charming your children are.

(she hands Grettie to Sweeney)

Grettie: Daddy!

Lieanna: Oh my gosh! Her first word!

Sweeney: I can't be nervous around you anymore, Grettie. (Frau Potts enters)

FrauP: I knew it! I knew you were afraid of her!(leaves)

Sweeney: I'm her first word! I have to tell all of my clients before I kill-er-shave them. Everybody wait for me on the couch!

(they get on the couch, Burt pulls a lever, the couch falls through a trapdoor)

Kids/Eponine: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Sweeney: Thank you, Fraulein Lovett, for bringing music back into our home.

Nellie: they're your children, Mr. VonT.

Sweeney: I beg you to stay. To think I'd forgotten how (sings) to laugh like a killer when he trips and falls over bodies in his way.

Nellie/Sweeney: To sing through the night like a drunk who is trying to pray! (he leaves, Eponine goes up to Nellie)

Eponine: (speaks) Well, goodbye! It was nice knowing you and your cat..um…Walter?

Nellie: WAFFLE. And I'm staying on.

Eponine: You're staying on?!

Nellie: Yeah. (exits)

Eponine: DAMMIT!  
(segue into next scene)

_Oh my frickin God! That was even longer than "Meet the VonTodds!" Happy birthday, The Pixess! Hope this is a good late birthday present! Sorry I'm late! Oh and please everyone, Frau wants her reviews. You don't want to disappoint poor FrauThenardier, do you?_


End file.
